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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
2:33 am - life
So I've been trying really hard recently to understand why people live, what makes them want to go through it all. Being the cold hard logical person that I appariently am (someone lacking human emotion who then thusly cannot even be treated decently by my stupid little bitch of a boyfriend) I can only see a few possibilities.

Looking at life, abstractly and as the big picture, all humans do is continue the species while fighting with each other over every possible thing. So here is my list as to why people bother:
1) they do it for some sentiment, or the hope of some sentiment, we have come to know as love
2) they are fueled by a never ending need to succeed and be the best ( which doesnt matter int he end because it wont mean shit when you die)
3) out of spite
4) out of anger ( very similar but not the same)
5) they dont know why, they just do

Chances are number 5 is the most popular, and is then followed by 1, at least based on my own personal experiences with people. Actually I should add one more:

6) God wants them to

A lot of people have number 5 in disguise of number 6.

But then you really need to ask yourself, why? Is it worth it?
All the time I hear people say stupid crap like you need to string together the good things and make them outweigh the bad.
But what if you can't? What if your good isn't that good and your bad is horrific?
Or what if you just weren't born with the ability to make things balance out.
Looking at the world around me I know that I have a goodlife, I have been really lucky for all the people I meet and the family I was born into, however when it comes down to it I must be disfunctional or something since despite all the opportunities and privledges I have, I can't seem to find why life is worth living.
Conclusion? I think I was just born without passion.
Passion is what brings people together, what drives them to follow their dreams, what makes people great. Passion is also, luckily, blinding. When you are truly passionate about something or someone you dont need anything else. Okay, not entirely true but you feel strongly enough about something that makes you happy to want to keep living to have it.
I dont have that.
I dont know why.
Nothing really sparks my interest in anything.
I was actually walking around campus today and a thought came to my mind, in another time period natural selection would have already cast me out.
If we consider history to be the norm, then I wouldnt need to be worrying about this since I wouldnt exist.

current mood: cynical

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Monday, March 22nd, 2010
12:35 am
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion||||||||||36%
Stability||||||||||||43%
Orderliness||||||||||||||56%
Accommodation||||||||||||||||||||90%
Intellectual||||||||||||||||70%
Interdependence||||||30%
Mystical||||||||||||||||70%
Materialism||||||||||||||||70%
Narcissism||||20%
Adventurousness||||||||||||||60%
Work ethic||||||||||||||60%
Conflictseeking||||||30%
Need to dominate||||||30%
Romantic||||||||||||50%
Avoidant||||20%
Anti-authority||||||||||||||||||80%
Wealth||10%
Dependency||||20%
Change averse||||||||||||||||70%
Cautiousness||||||||||||||||70%
Individuality||||||30%
Sexuality||||||||||||50%
Peter pancomplex||||||||||||||60%
Histrionic||||||||||||||60%
Vanity||||20%
Artistic||||20%
Hedonism||||||||||40%
Physicalfitness||||||||||||||60%
Religious||10%
Paranoia||||||||||||||||70%
Hypersensitivity||||||||||||43%
Indie||||||||||||50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com


current mood: lethargic

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Thursday, April 19th, 2007
8:55 am
blah blah blah

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Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
10:27 pm
the only reason im posting this is so that i can see march on my lil month thing fro lj
isn't that sad?
i need a calandar for astro xD

current mood: ahhhhhh!!! can't sit still!!!!

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
7:05 pm
seriously..
next time..
someone needs to remind me that I'm not allowed to be happy
before life does..

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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
1:05 pm
"Lets get fucked up and die
I'm speaking figuratively of course
Like the last time that i commited suicide,
Social Suicide
Yeah, so i'm already dead
Only in my mind, but i can still pretend
With my memories and photographs i have learned to love the lie

I want to know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
not belligerent
I want to know how it feels to be useful and pertinent
and have common sense, yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club
cause i want to belong and i need to be strong
and if memory serves im addicted to words
and theyre useless,

in this department

Lets get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
and the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
all my problems and short comings,
cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my
forget-me-nots and marigolds,
and all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself:
through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.

in this department

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
we'll try not to smile,
as we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can
overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
and my memory lacks initiative.

Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
We're so close to scoring,
it hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.

in this department"

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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
11:56 am
"Together We'll Ring in the New Year"--Motion City Soundtrack

"This must be it,
welcome to the new year.
The drinks were consumed,
the plants were destroyed
and the hor d'oeuvres dismanteled.
I'm not smiling behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted or completely ignored
...but most of all I'm bored.

I'm trying to find out if
my words have any meaning;
lack luster and full of contempt
and it always ends the same.
Why won't you listen to me?

Why did I come? Oh, why did I come here?
These humans all suck,
I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely.
I'm not trying to sound so insincere,
but the postcard that's taped the freezer
reads: 'wish you were here!'
How I wish I could disappear.

I'm trying to find out if
my words have any meaning;
lack luster and full of contempt
and it always ends the same.
Heads up! Damage control,
there'a ring around her finger.
Last chance for changing lanes
and you missed it by a mile.
Why wont you listen to me?

This must be it,
welcome to the new year."

current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
2:09 pm
"in a car underwater with time to kill
thinking back i forgot to tell you this:
i didnt care that you left and abandoned me,
what hurts more is I Would Still Die For You."

you know

"im out side of your window
with my radio
you are the only station
that plays the song i know
you are the song i know"

if someone were to judge me

"im gonna make damn sure
that you cant ever leave
no you wont ever get too far from me
you wont ever get too far from me"

on the music i listen to

"and i cant make it on my own
i cant make it on my own
because my heart is in ohio
so cut my wrist and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight
...or die"

and the lyrics that get stuck in my head

"because you kill me
you know you do you do it well
you like it too and i can tell
you never stop for tell
my final breath is gone"

because i like them

"liar, liar if youre keeping score
and we're all quiet boys at best
interesting and arrogant
liar, liar if youre keeping score
and we're all quiet boys at best
interesting and arrogant
liar, liar
liar, liar
It Takes One To Know One"

someone might want to start worrying now

"and if you feel like dying
if ylou feel like dyinggg
if you feel like dying
you might wanna sing, hahahah
you might wanna Sing, hahahah
you might wanna sing, hahah
haha,SING!
you might wanna sing
you might wanna sing
you might wanna
SING OR SCREAM IT"

current mood: crazy

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Monday, January 15th, 2007
12:50 am
im missing it so much right now..
i can't help being depressed
im gonna blame nature for this one
SO SCREW YOU
bleh..
im
feeling
really
...

current mood: lonely

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, January 11th, 2007
12:14 am
"to every broken heart in here,
love was once a part but now it's disappeared.
she told me that it's all part of the choices that you make.
even when you think you're right,
you have to give to take."



well..it's been a while, and a lot has happened..
im still dealing with the bad things..
even though i know i was one of the big problems in my own life
it's still really hard to think through what i was thinking at the time,
and to try to wrap my mind around what's going on is really..
unimaginable.
It's the middle of January, and i just got home from work a few hours ago. Yeah, I work now. It's a pretty crappy job to be honest, it's not one of those "O M G you work there?!" kinda things, just a cashier/floor person at a department store. I go in whent hey need someone and i clean up displays, attepmt to help customers (I really dont know that much about these kinds of things), and use the register. Recently though I've been working in inventory, which is where we have to scan every piece of merchandise in the store (thats 4 floors packed with crap), and basically all the hours get screwed up, so I havent seen my friends much..or done anything but work and sleep, not that I really mind..it's nice having something to do to keep my mind off of my life, or lack there of. Yeah..so I've been working shifts from 5 or 6pm to 1 or 2am. Fun stuff, let me tell you. It's kind of rough because I don't really know anyone there, or have any friends, but I don't have very many friends anywhere, just aquaintences and such. The few true friends I have, I havent seen much of. I wish we would meet up more often, but life will always get in the way. I know that they have their own crowds, friends, families, and lives, so I'm okay with it. Plus most of the time they go out and do things I can't afford to anyway. So yeah..family-wise things are kind of..good and bad on a day to day basis. Rob is at his house, I haven't seen him since a lil after christmas. Chrissy has school, and Rick has work..my dad is my dad, enough said. My mom is working even more than I am, and all these stupid bad things keep happening. When we were on our way out to work this morning (I actually worked from 9am to 9:15pm, sick right?) but i was honestly looking for reasons not to go home..I dont like being here alone much..I have nothing here..plus recently, I've been kind of delusional..lack of sleep from work. Plus the insomnia I have from other things in life. I'm always, always thinking of him, and it really hurts...I don't think I'll just come back from this. I've been through some pretty bad things, but this is..I just can't deal well with heartbreak..I've been trying to hide from it, think about it in little parts, trying to think through everything, and when I do I always end up either getting really angry, or getting really sad...I'm always depressed, so using that to describe how I get would be meaningless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do..how any of this is supposed to work..I hate that feeling. I hate always being lost when it comes to my emotions. I've been like that for years, and even when I know that I won't be able to handle something I go through with it anyway. I apologize to everyone for that, I alwasy end up doing stupid things and hurting other people. Which isn't fair, not that life cares anyway, that's how it works. things start going up just to plummet, right? mhm..anyhoo..
The other thing I get, when I try to think of things..is..a very strong and deep feeling of disappointment...I mean, sure it's not all one person's fault, but of all of the people in the world, You'd think maybe they would be the one to try to understand you...to try to see why you are doing something. and then, when the one person you have faith in just..acts like that...it gave me the feeling of, why the hell was I trying to work for this...I really..thinking back now..can't see why I let it go...I know there were so many times that I would get angry or upset, most of the time..I didn't even say anything...because I thought of all the good things and thought maybe it's not worth it. Or I would try to think of something else, to try to force-rationalize it...and I would just deal with it, but knowing that they can't or wont do that, especially when I was really trying...I was falling apart on my own, and there wasn't anyone, because there was only one person I wanted to be there..it was too much...and even though I'm depressed, and I miss him..a lot..I'm not sorry for how things turned out. It'll be better this way, we both will be, if he can learn to stand on his own, for real..that's one of the things I could neve tell him, but he can't or wouldn't stand on his own..I saw it all the time..but still..I don't want to sound mean saying it..but it is true..
I really don't want to talk about this, I'm crying again, and it's so cold out now, it's not good..It's important for me to be thinking through it though..if I were going to be honest..my favorite part of being him was in the beginning..we were really good together..it was obvious..but I was really hesitant..and he clung too fast, that was the first sign and mistake..I know that..I thought of it then, but I wrote it off as me being paranoid. Then in July things started to get really weird..uncomfortably so..but it was still okay..august was..i dont want to go into august..september sucked, october was tough and troubling, which continued in november, december is the end of everything, twice..and I dont know now..i think for now all I need to know for myself is that I dont regret it..there's a lot I miss, dont get me wrong..there are a lot of good qualities that he has, that he showed, but still...it got to a point where it just wasn't worth everything else..there are so many bad things I could say, I know I could, but there are so many good things too..all I can do know is try to keep the good ones close..and hold on to them..that being said..i realize that there are a lot of things I should be doing..even if it is one am..
gnight, and gmorning..
see you later



"but we sing, if we're going nowhere
yeah we sing, if it's not enough
and we sing, sing without a reason
to ever fall in love
to ever fall in love again"
---Lostprophets "Last Train Home"

current mood: lonely

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Friday, December 15th, 2006
12:31 pm
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||| 26%
Stability |||| 20%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic |||||||||||| 43%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||| 23%
Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 63%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50%
Romantic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||| 36%
Anti-authority |||||| 30%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Sexuality |||||||||| 36%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical Fitness |||||| 24%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.


trait snapshot:

messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer








i just re didd it , its almost teh same tho
i didnt get to read through all of it, so ill have to come back to it later =x
OMG CLASSS byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3


current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
4:06 am
"Dead!"

Yeah!

And if your heart stops beating
I'll be here wondering
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life
And if you get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end, and if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand? It ain't exactly what you planned.
And wouldn't it be great If we were dead?
Ohh dead.

Tongue-tied and oh so squeamish
You never fell in love
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life
And if you* get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end, and if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand?
And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?

And in my honest observation
During this operation
Found a complication in your heart
So long, 'Cause now you've got (now you've got)
Maybe just two weeks to live
Is that the most the both of you can give?

One, two, one two three four!

LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Well come on,
LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Oh motherfucker,

If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing?
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why am I dead?
DEAD!

current mood: drained+happy

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
2:51 am
"How I Go"--Yellowcard

I could tell you the wildest of tales
My friend the giant and traveling sales
Tell you all the times that I failed
The years all behind me, the stories exhaled

And I’m, drying out, crying out
This isn’t how I go…

I could tell you of a man not so tall
Who said, “Life’s a circus, and so we are small.”
Tell you of a girl that I saw
I froze in the moment and she changed it all

And I’m drying out, crying out
This isn’t how I go
Hurry now, lay me down
And let these waters flow

Son, I am not everything you thought that I would be
But every story I have told is part of me

You keep the air in my lungs
Floating along as a melody comes
And my heart beats like tympani drums
Keeping the time while the symphony strums

And I'm drying out, crying out,
This isn't how I go.
Hurry now, lay me down
And let these waters flow
Let it flow, let it go...

Son, I am not everything you thought that I would be
But every story I have told is part of me
Son, I leave you now, but you have so much more to do
And every story I have told is a part of you

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2:15 am
"Sure Things Falling"--Yellowcard

He likes vampires and hit list radio
But turns it off when he hears this one song he knows
And you breathe, the windows down
You're driving I-4 as you make your way back home
You ride in silence because he will not let go
And you breathe, the windows down
It's a new place that you have found

I've been up late writing books
All about heroes and crooks
One of them saves you from this
The other one steals you and then, sure, things, fall
And all sure things fall.

Do you remember how we used to get so high
It didn't work at first we tried it two more times
And we could breathe, the windows down
I was thinking of the temperature outside
Cool like the water that was running from our eyes
And we could breathe, the windows down
It's a new place that we had found

I've been up late writing books
All about heroes and crooks
One of them saves you from this
The other one steals you and then, sure, things, fall
And all sure things fall.

He can take you all the way to church this time
But don't forget you summed it up in 15 lines

I've been up late writing books
All about heroes and crooks
One of them saves you from this
The other one steals you
Of all of the places I looked
And all of the pictures I took
One of them's here with me now
I'm finally finding out how, sure, things, fall
And all sure things fall.

current mood: crappy

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Thursday, November 30th, 2006
5:32 pm
"Cemetery Drive"-- My Chemical Romance

this night, walk the dead
in a solitary style
and crash the cemetery gates.
in the dress your husband hates
way down, mark the grave
where the search lights find us
drinking by the mausoleum door
and they found you on the bathroom floor

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

back home, off the run
singing songs that make you slit your wrists
it isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun
so i won't stop dying, won't stop lying
if you want i'll keep on crying
did you get what you deserve?
is this what you always want me for?

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

when will i miss you, when will i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
made it so hard

way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down

way down

current mood: blah

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4:13 am
"Famous Last Words"--My Chemical Romance

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights to cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying) 'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying) With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying) Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying) Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home
(Or dead)
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home
(Or dead)
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

current mood: confused

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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
4:35 pm






What Would You Look Like If You Were An Anime Character That Is Half Cat?(Pics, Music , and Backround)Rate if u Wanna!!!^_^




You are a normal cat demon. You don't have any powers your just a cat.But at least your a cute kitty!^-^
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current mood: content

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Monday, November 13th, 2006
4:07 am
Your Vote Score: 30% Republican, 70% Democrat

While you don't always agree with the Democrat party, it's a pretty good match for you.
Do be sure to research each candidate. A liberal Republican or independent candidate might fit you better at times.

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Friday, October 27th, 2006
12:08 am
i feel like giving up now..
=\ i hate this feeling..a lot
and i dont even deserve to talk about it..
goodbye..

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Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
11:32 pm
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!
he really is the sweetest boy ever ^^
everr<3

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